I am an ill defined thing. I am fluid, like some deep lake whose bottom is concealed in darkness. It is others that cause me to ripple. It is situations that give me shape. I can be warm and soothing. I can be cold, frigid, a shard that jabs you in the back. There is no true substance to me. There is just this central part, my core, which is lost along the bed of my unconscious that rises now and again.
The terminology for what I am is empathic. Alone I am calm, placid. It is only others that cause me to stir. I can sense what strangers feel. Perhaps that is why I am so good at manipulation. People…bring out the worst in me. I make them do what I see as best for me out of the fear that they might use me towards their own ends. The world is full of strangers and I can only wander through them rather than among them.
Sometimes I think there is no true me. I am amorphous, the situation causing parts to coalesce about me and make me what I need to be. I am always reacting. Does that make me a parasite, using the actions of others to give me the strength to either use or negate their power? Perhaps it is symbiotic for sometimes I do return in kind what I receive. The universe has always been one of power plays. But I rarely believe in balance. Balance is flat, without any sign of life. There is no style to it. Just one side to an imprisoning box. I need spikes and valleys, highs and lows, signs of change. Not mundane peace. A piece of euphoria is worth a fragment of depression.
I value little. Knowledge…that is what I prize most. Not for the power it could give me but for the insight, the understanding. I want to transcend myself. Emerge from the pool that is my exterior; allow my soul to return from whence it came. Man is a fallen thing, a piece of the ash of Creation. Creation…was nothing more than decimation. There was unity. And then…it shattered. Scientists call it the Big Bang. Christians, Muslims, Hindus, etc. call it the beginning. I call it the collapse, the Fall. It was the first flaw in the physical and we all bear that flaw. That flaw…is mortality. Everything decays. Spiritually. Physically. It is all connected to this flesh, this corrupting piece of the Fall. We must distance ourselves from it if we are to overcome it.
There is energy in this universe. Light. The Light. It is evolving towards what purpose I cannot tell but then my sight, these eyes, are limited. All I know is we are growing, moving beyond the simple towards the complex from the beasts to humans to whatever lies just beyond tomorrow. Reincarnation is a reality. Energy does not dissipate nor is it created. There is but one pool to choose from and as things die and become subsumed by that dark pool they re-emerge in a new form. They grow, they expand. From the single cell to the multi, from the ant to the bird. The flesh, ironically, plays a role in advancing us. It is our husk, our cocoon, within which we, the true us, gestates and grows. That true us is the Light, a part of the Light, our soul.
It is all so complex and my theories are many. I wish I could talk openly to others about the things I believe but…there is no one. I am here, alone, at peace. But as I’ve said this calm, this balance, leads me nowhere but back to where I am. There is no sign of change, everything so mundane. Why will you not come to me, cause me to ripple and stir, that I might emerge, travel, transcend. I need you, someone please, to give me life.