So here I am, drunk as usual, trying to find a means to draw a larger audience to my novel. I spent all today watching a marathon of A Haunting on the Discovery Channel trying to clear my mind. How do I reach out to even more than I have? How do I interest the uninterested?
You know, there is more to me than this novel. These past few weeks I’ve been dwelling on my past. The wrong choices I’ve made. The people I’ve lost and/or pushed away because of my actions. I just wish there were a way to change what was. But thinking this way, thinking backwards, is counterproductive. I am forgetting the now, what could be; turning my back on the future for the unchangeable past. But what is there to look forward to? I have lost my wife, my goals seem so unattainable, and the depression is deepening into the very roots of my soul. I am losing faith.
Why has destiny brought me to this point? Am I blaming something immaterial when it is my own actions that have caused me to arrive upon this isle of misery? I need something, a purpose. I would suffer if I knew it served a cause. Yet, I suffer for meaningless reasons. I am a failure at this game called Life. My ambitions are small, my drive short sighted. I do not crave wealth or material luxury. Is that a blessing or a curse? Women do not want one as me. I can barely support myself. What is the point of my existence?
I have reached this defining moment in my life, where I must define myself and make a choice. But which way should I go? Do I truly have the ability to choose the direction I may travel? All this…is so confusing.
Eh, but I’m drunk. Pay me no heed. I am a fool thinking he was a man.