Today I’ve decided to comment on the Ten Commandments from a Third Millenium AD perspective. *Author’s note: I was aided in this compilation by the alluring Trish.
1) “Do not worship any other gods.” What about our Hollywood stars, Music Legends, or pin-up models? And didn’t the Catholics undermine this with their creation of a pantheon of “demi-gods” termed “saints”?
2) “Do not make any idols.” Come on, the term has taken on such a 180 degree turn this sounds ludicrous. Hell, the number one show in America makes billions off of doing this very “evil” act! Does this mean Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul, and Randy Jackson are in league with the Devil? In fact, since most of America has a hand in creating the next “American Idol” doesn’t that mean that modern American television is really only setting us up to do further acts for our Dark Lord? Did God, television is corrupting us! And they thought Metal Music was the Devil’s portal into our souls.
3) “Do not misuse the name of God.” Ok, Heavenly Father, you created pain. If I bust my fucking thumb with a hammer or suffer a nutshot, there is no way in Hell I’m “not” using your name!
4) “Keep the sabbath holy.” Hey, you told us not to work but to rest on the seventh day, just like you. Do you know how much work it is to get up before noon, shit, shower, and shave, put on something clean (which there never is by this point in the week), drag my ass out to Church, and struggle to stay awake through the same damn sermon I’ve heard since childhood? That sounds like a lot of work to me. So then, by staying in bed and resting am I not keeping the sabbath holy?
5) “Honor your father and mother.” My father is an abusive, recovering alcoholic. My mother is a nagging, bi-polar, anxiety ridden shell who passively allowed my father to break my nose at age 5, strip my ass of an inch of flesh when I was eight, and numerous times scar me emotionally throughout my adolescence. Now, I am supposed to honor them? Isn’t this really just an early attempt to indoctrinate us into a system of authoritarian rule where we accept the will of “our elders” without question? Yeah, ol’ W. Bush has proven how effective this is.
6) “Do not murder.” Hey God, weren’t you the one who told His people to start war after war and kill all the enemy? Didn’t you wipe out the innocent firstborn of each Egyptian prior to the Exodus rather than the actual individuals responsible for the Jews slavery? And how many people did you “murder” in the Flood? Oh, but that’s OK. You’re God. Yeah, right. By the by, someone comes at me with a knife that bitch is going down and staying down, Heaven be damned.
7) “Do not commit adultery.” No worries here. Marriage is on the decline. Pretty soon, this will be all but impossible. Unless you’re gay. They’re the only ones who want to get married anymore.
8) “Do not steal.” Have to agree. This one bastard stole my boots once at college. Never forgave him. If God can send someone to Hell for this they belong there. Enjoy my boots in Hell, you thieving bastard!
9) “Do not lie.”I quote the great Obi-Wan Kenobi when it comes to saying anything. “What I told you was true…from a certain point of view.” So then, isn’t a lie really just the truth from a different angle. And if God is against the truth in any form then isn’t he just as bad as the Nazis. You won’t silence the truth, you oppressive bastard!
10) “Do not covet.” Come on. This is the driving force behind capitalism as well as modern society. If we don’t want then we won’t create goals. Without goals there is no drive. Without drive there is no reason to try. If we don’t try then aren’t we just slackers without any real prupose in life? So then, does God just want us to sit around, get fat, and simply worship Him? The man sounds like he has really low self-esteem. You need too much attention, you whore. Think I’d rather have a house, a full refrigerator, and my X-Box rather than be your spiritual slave. Manna from Heaven. Think I’d rather have pizza.