These are difficult times. But, simply because we have lost political influence and authority does not mean we must change. If history has taught us anything, it’s keep doing what you’re doing and if it doesn’t work, just change the name and put more money behind it. Eventually it will work.

Now there are those who believe that the most important part of becoming a parent is first the establishment of a strong, loving relationship. No one has time for that. You, your career, and your interests are forever paramount. Other people should be having children anyway like those Third Worlders and illegals if only to strip this white washed veneer off of America. They make better nannies anyway, why shouldn’t they simply be having the children and free you up from the bother of procreating? They can always be liberally civilized later, with respect to their culture by the way. But there are traditionalists who hold that we must keep our numbers up if for no other reason than to preserve our place as most equal among equals.

Establishing a parental unit can be quite difficult. A mate is not the simplest thing to acquire. With gender fluidity, homosexuality, feminism, and other lifestyles on the rise, garnering the attention of a potential “other” can be frustrating. Though do not be discouraged, even if your advances bring restraining orders and the threat of jail time. Keep trying.

The glory of the modern age is that science has made it possible to become a parent even if your search for a mate fails, and with stats crossing 60% for divorce the odds are not to your favor. So if you’re a woman, go shopping for the best sperm you can find. Designer babies are the new thing! Why settle? If you’re a man, rent a surrogate. No worries, she won’t be offended by your financial advances toward her womb.

Skip the nine months of fetal growth. No one wants to think about that.

Once the child is born, congratulations; you’re a breeder! Now hand the child off for the next several years to your nanny, preferably a Mexican. They are so family oriented and will expose your child to a new culture and language. Now you can focus once more on your career with the added bonus of the prestige of being a working parent.

When the child has reached an age of sentience is when the true parenting begins. First rule, no boundaries. Do not scold them for negative habits. Allow them to paint the walls, to shout nonsensically, even to talk back to you despite their limited intelligence. Such habits will serve them well in later life. Also, it is important to support their worldview. If your child wants to be a mermaid, buy them a tank. If they want to be a monkey, invest in bananas and trees. Their fantasies are important and you MUST play along or else they’ll lose that precious detachment from reality. If they have an imaginary friend, adopt the wraith, put them on your insurance, purchase an entire wardrobe! Make them as legally corporeal as possible. These ghosts will prove beneficial come election time in the years to come to secure needed electoral majorities. Hey, they’re real if you believe.

Diet is of the utmost. Instill a love of vegetables, tofu, and nuts. Milk must be avoided at all costs for fear of upsetting women with a depiction as cattle to whet the appetites of those addicted to an outdated parental construct. Meat, never. Animals should not suffer for our sustenance. They should be allowed to wander mindlessly without purpose just as we do. You may notice that your child’s mental and physical development will fall behind that of conservative children. Just go to the doctor for shots and vitamins. That kid will catch up, somewhat, in no time. And if not, hey, they’ll be more manageable and those special needs will only increase your popularity and maybe secure you a better parking spot.

At age five, it is important to socialize them. Set up their social media account and, if affordable, pay to draw traffic to their site. Those numbers are important to their self-esteem. Inevitably, your child will begin to compare themselves to their peers. The best way to deal with this potential issue is to act fast. Reward your child regardless of how well or how poorly they do. Self-esteem is key. Did they get a D? That’s better than an F. Are they getting fat? Yay, we get to go shopping! Did they drop out of a sport or competition? Give them a trophy. Effort is for conservatives. Children need to learn that appearance matters more than anything.

As to education, it is your duty to expand your child’s mind on the contributions of minorities and women. There may not be many, but that can be a teaching lesson for how white men have selfishly led the world into the modern age. Let your kids listen to hip hop music to understand foreign culture or go to a flea market to make some new amigos. Perhaps together you can sponsor a child abroad. Not everyone can adopt their own Third World baby.

The teen years are especially important. Buy condoms, lots of them. Your child needs to understand that they’re desires are normal. Let them have whatever boyfriends and girlfriends they require. If need be, set-up play dates. If you’re struggling, go on the sex offender registry. Help them get to know their community and experience is never a bad thing. You’ll share so many special moments. Your daughter’s first abortion. Those moments of independence as your child runs away and discovers an entrepreneurial skill. That initial criminal record, which luckily gets expunged by age 18 (the memories of misspent youth). Buying your son that prom dress he always wanted. The discovery of narcotics which only help to cement bonding time, likely picked up off life on the street.

Do not, I repeat do not, make your teen believe a job is important. That is why we have sanctuary cities: to draw a workforce for such employment. Your child must be exposed to the reality of the world. Buy the largest television you can, get cable, install the best Wi-Fi money can buy. Give them money to buy the things they will need to fit in, but do not twist them into believing that money has any value. Media will guide them. We all know we can’t have them showing an independent streak when it comes to conformity. Those are ripples that severely muddy the waters. They must learn to trust their most important peers: celebrities. The arts are important. But be wary. A safe space is needed for those who lurk online only to judge your precious legacy. No one should have to listen to criticism. So encourage their craziest ideas.

Push them to challenge the world around them. Don’t settle for gender specific bathrooms, respect for religious belief, or a tiered educational system. A-F? Why does there have to be a scale? Everyone knows it isn’t smarts that serve you in career advancement. Take them to rallies and allow their tantrums to serve a real purpose disrupting the opposition.

Get them used to coffee. They’ll be drinking lots of it. You have to keep that hysterical energy high for all those marches and riots they’ll be taking part in. You’re also helping those poverty stricken countries and struggling indie artists to eke by.

When college comes around, make sure your credit is good. You’re gonna need to support your child in their first steps into the broader world. When they graduate six years later, make sure they have a basement to return to. They’ll need a period to find themselves before they can go out and make a mark on the world. By age thirty, they’re ready to get a part-time job. Take them to the local unemployment office to secure their wages and, perhaps, even housing. Then take them to be registered. You have to make sure that when election time rolls around they secure the rights and entitlements you have struggled so hard for.

Your job is finally done. Enjoy your drug of choice. You’ve earned it.

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