Interviewer: First, let me say you look good.

Hitler: Thank you. I’ve been keeping to my vegetarian diet. Taking long walks.

I: You’ve definitely got some nice color.

Hi: I’ve been spending most of my time in Hell. They have a special place there for me.

I: Indeed. So, to the point. A lot of people have been shaming you.

H: You’d think my ‘stache was back in style.

I: What are your thoughts on all this negative press?

H: It makes no sense to me at all. This archetype as some big bad. It’s embarrassing, really. But then just being a white male is a burden anymore.

I: You should fire your publicist.

H: I did. At Auschwitz. That’s probably my problem.

I: Who is the real Hitler?

H: I’m an artist. Some of my strokes may have been broad and my subordinates a tad too independent. But hey, when was initiative ever a bad thing?

I: You stand by your record?

H: Absolutely. Look, I took 25% unemployment and dropped it to zero. Violent crimes fell year by year. The fashion industry loved me.

I: Those uniforms were quite fancy.

H: I expanded social programs and government aid to families lifting them out of poverty. Increased defense and economic output. Built the world’s first highway system and invested in other infrastructure projects. I brought hope back to Germany.

I: But you had your detractors.

H: We all have our critics.

I: When you banned the Communist party-

H: Ok look, the last thing Germany needed was Russia interfering in our domestic affairs. Surely America can sympathize. The post-war vindicated my actions. Just ask the East Germans.

I: But then you went on to ban other parties.

H: This may be controversial to say, but multiparty democracy doesn’t work. It’s polarizing to say the least. The opposition renders any possibility of legislation impossible. It’s always about the next election and the cost of elections! Becoming beholden to lobbyists and corporations. The system just breeds corruption and the people end up being lost in all that.

I: So you banned all parties.

H: And we were finally able to get things done.

I: Talking about controversy, your platform was incredibly divisive.

H: I am a nationalist at heart. I love my country.

I: You’re Austrian.

H: And Germany took me in as an immigrant eventually electing me Chancellor.

I: Well, I meant to focus on your aggressive foreign policy.

H: The worst thing that ever happened to Germany was self-determination. Before the Great War everyone was German. Then there were Polish-Germans and French-Germans and…Well, the list goes on. It tore the country apart. Minority populations stole land from the Reich and all I heard was that we owed it to them after the atrocities committed over the centuries. Forget about the majority. That was seriously a hot button issue back in the day.

I: Homosexuality was also a hot-button issue.

H: People can paint me as homophobic but a large percentage of my staff were homosexual.

I: Rohm.

H: Among many others.

I: But you had him executed.

H: For treason. Don’t try to make more of it than it was.

I: What about the concentration camps?

H: I was elected on the promise of being tough on crime.

I: Do you think maybe you went a bit too far?

H: It was a different time. People were scared. Besides, citizens weren’t held indefinitely. Once they were found to no longer be a threat, they were released.

I: Some years later. Now, about the Jewish question-

H: Let’s settle this question once and for all. The Jews were illegal immigrants who had been tolerated for years.

I: Illegal? They had been in Germany for centuries.

H: The children of illegals are still illegal, amnesty or not. They didn’t think like Germans or respect German culture. They segregated themselves in their enclaves, spoke their own language, took advantage of government resources. They refused to assimilate. For God’s sake who do you think was responsible for the riots in the street? Everyone knows the Jews were the driving force behind the communists. They just wanted to take everything away from the common German and give it to the lowest common denominator.

I: Is that why you had them deported?

H: We attempted to deport them but no one would take them? What were we supposed to do with them?

I: So, gas.

H: I can’t take credit for that.

I: It’s still controversial.

H: Bureaucracy has a way of doing things. All I knew was they were being deported east. After that, well, paperwork can drive anyone insane. And things happen in war. In the end people just want results.

I: There are those scholars who take a negative view of your administration.

H: Look at Germany today. The fourth largest economy, the heart of the European Union.

I: You take credit for that?

H: That and the VW Bug. People are still thanking me for that.

I: So what would you say to those who use you to paint politicians in a bad light?

H: That those people need to judge others individually. In my day Stalin was considered one of the best leaders Russia ever had. Look at him now. Russia is STILL recovering. Popularity and approval ratings; you just can’t trust them.

World leaders are beleaguered, more so now in these complicated times. They show more restraint than I ever would. Before your readers condemn them, maybe they should stop and pay attention to what is actually going on. The media only worsens the problem, no offense.

I: None taken.

H: Today everything is instantaneous. Immediate reporting, immediate reports but no one takes the time to put it into perspective. And the press, they no longer report; they commentate. Negativity sells so they keep finding facts to twist. And people listen. And they get angry.

America is like Weimar. Polarized and riotous. Spending all day at the cafes and nights organizing protests. There is no middle, only a divide. They even elected a celebrity president. Hindenburg, what an embarassment. I can only sympathize with Trump.

People what you have now is not a leader like me. A leader like me comes later when the divide becomes too large to cross.

Maybe I should come out of retirement. Nixon did.

I: Thank you for your time.

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