I so wish I had a picture of this it hurts. Today I discovered Coke became upset when they discovered a small, foreign film, Seven Kilometers From Jerusalem, had a controversial scene where, get ready for it…Jesus drinks a coke. I know, you’re waiting for the controversial part. Jesus drinking a coke. There’s a problem with that? We’ve had a fucking polar bear drinking the fucking soda for years now. A FUCKING POLAR BEAR!!!That’s beverage bestiality! Don’t believe me, ask your local Baptist.

So Coca-Cola, Inc., decided that the idea of the Son of God drinking their beverage was a bad image for their company. Finally, God answers the centuries old question of which was the best brand of cola on Earth. Why is Coca-Cola forsaking Him? In their own words, the Coke company said, “We would not be interested in this type of product placement.” Excuse me?

Exactly what is so damn sacriligious about Jesus drinking a coke? Can you tell me that? What? Are we supposed to believe the Messiah never shit or pissed? Wait, wait, no of course he did. He crapped marble and pissed spring water. Really folks, this is the second damn Jesus controversy in the space of a week. This is getting ridiculous. Is the very idea of associating Jesus with chocolate or soda so detrimental to the moral fabric of this nation? For Christ’s sake, Catholics have been pouring wine for underage kids to imbibe in Jesus’ name for centuries. That’s permissible and a coke isn’t? Yeah, something like Coke, bad for Jesus. Hey, but let’s get a picture of an Irish priest chugging Mad Dog 20/20.

I don’t see why Coke just doesn’t latch onto this. I mean, this could be the biggest damn promotional scheme in history. Bigger than “Where’s the Beef” or “The Energizer Rabbit” or God knows what other schemes exist that my fever addled brain can’t seem to drag up. We could have Jesus turn water into coke, perform the miracle of returning Lazarus to life by pouring a bottle of the soda down his throat, and even be crucified by a host of Pepsi employees with Jesus lamenting to his father in Heaven, “Forgive them for they do not understand your flavor.” Coke could finally have a viable slogan to combat Pepsi’s “Choice of a New Generation”, or “You Got the Right One Baby”. I can see it now: Coke, drink it or go to hell.

This is what we’ve been waiting for! Coke, come on. Run with this. Imagine all the free press. All the public interest. You could reinvent the very image of Jesus. Even change the company logo. Copyright the cross. It’s an awesome design! You need this, Coca-Cola. The soda industry needs this. America needs this. Save us from bad taste. Give us the Messiah’s choice!

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