I fear I am slipping into darkness. I am losing faith. In me. In life. Sometimes I simply wish to walk out into the night and dissolve into the stars in the sky. I am so tired of this existence, so tired of being alone, of being nothing, of being unseen and untouched. This is Hell. And I loathe it almost as much as I loathe myself.
But where do I go? There are no more possibilities save for my dreams and those are slowly being perverted into nightmares and terrors. I am becoming this monster inside as the rot takes hold and changes me, twists me. I want to hurt, hurt others. I am so angry and bitter, so damnably vile. And I hide it behind this mask of patience and kindness.
I am trying to stop my slide, trying to find purpose and possibility. I’ve applied for a teaching job in Indianapolis. I’m still pushing my novels. Who knows? Perhaps this suffering will cease. Then again, maybe it is all I shall ever have.
I have ruined everything that my hands have touched. So many chances I’ve squandered. So many times I wish I could say sorry. So many times I wish I could have that second chance. But I know I’d only ruin it again. Maybe…it is best I be left alone. Let me destroy the one thing that deserves it: me.
I’ve cried so many nights, done things that I abhor. I am falling and there is no bottom. Just this eternal downward spiral. Where are you my muse to elevate me with inspiration? Where is that sun that set so long ago?
Oh world, end me. End me! Why does this flesh survive when my soul is so dead?
And to you, that void of cyberspace. Does no one hear me? Does no one read my words? Do you find interest in my pain but fail to reach out? I thought myself depraved and yet how many of you have seen this part of me and said nothing? Where is your humanity? A word. Something, some contact from you. I bleed on these pages to give you insight into me. Does not one of you feel their conscience nudging them forward to cease my suffering?
I just wish an end to my pain. Will it ever come?